I woke up and thought of you. My first instinct was to get on the phone and call you. Then reality struck me. Like a sharp blade, it sank deep into my chest, and made my heart explode with pain and sadness. How I still miss you after all these years, I can’t explain. They say pain never goes away, you just learn to live with it. But living without you is more pain than I can bear. I can still hear your laugh through the summer breeze. I miss your warm embrace, your loving words. “One day, you will be a woman, just like me!” Mama, I am a woman now, diving in pain and loneliness. I wish you were still here, so that we could laugh together. You could hold my hand and tell me that everything will be okay again. That being away from you in not the end of everything, but just the begining of a new life…without you!
I am screaming your name! Can’t you hear me? When did you stop answering my calls? I am scared. Where are you? Will you be back soon? I need you to come back. I am lost without you.
“You forgot again!” Said the voice. “Remember? She is gone! She is not coming back. You don’t come back from the journey she is on.” There is pressure on my chest. I can’t breathe. Reality has once again shattered my dream. I can’t stop the flow of tears rushing down my face. I am sorry! I am so sorry I wasn’t there. I thought we had all the time in the world. It is Life’s fault. She is the one to blame. She made the decision for us.
No one can help me fill this void that you have left behind. You thought me how to live without you, but you forgot to tell me that the pain will never go away. I know you are still here, with me. In every mirror I look, I see you. You are in my laugh lines and in my thick calves. Sometimes I smile at you, other times, like today, I am just too sad to even look.
“Every great dream begins with a dreamer.”
“Be The Woman You Needed As a Girl!”
“Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be.” Anonymous
She remembers the first time it happened. It was at a party in the South of France when she realized the little boy hoping around her. Then, as subtly as a child can be, he touched her arm and looked down at his hand. Nothing! So, he did it again, and again. She let him do, waiting for the moment he would figure it out! Then, he abruptly stopped jumping around, looked straight at her and said as loudly as he could, making sure she could hear him despite the loud music: “Why are you brownish?”. Suddenly she could hear the flies buzzing. She could see the embarrassment on his parents’ face. His mother looked mortified, surely wishing she could make her son disappear. The music had stopped and so had everyone else. Meanwhile, the little one stood there, his legs apart, waiting for the answer. She bent down, looked at him, smiled and gave him the only answer that made sense to her: “Because I am black”. For a few seconds, he kept looking at her. Did it make sense to him? Did he understand that, what she meant was, that was the skin color she was born with? She expected him to ask more questions but instead, he got closer to her, took her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. They danced together for the rest of the evening. He was happy. What was he thinking? Was she some extraordinary being who happened to be at his party or just a big girl he could dance with? She would never know. All she knew is that he seemed content with his answer. He didn’t want to know more, he didn’t need to, because there was no more to say.
After that evening, she never saw the little boy again. He surely went to meet other black or brownish people in his life. She just hopes he turned out to be as accepting of them as he was with her that evening. That was the first of many other encounters of the same type though. Children, all between the age of four and five, realizing for the first time that this person they had known all this time actually looked different from them and/or from their parents. From a hesitant “Are you kind of brownish?” to a confident “Are you black?”, she has given them the same answer with always the same results. They would either exude a sense of relief because they turned out to be right; she indeed looked different from them, or real happiness because they probably have cracked a mystery that the rest of their peers might haven’t even realized yet. It was always a one time question, one answer and that was all. At the end of the day, it never seemed to make any difference to them that she was different. Now, if only adults could be the same way. Be just as acceptant and tolerant! How amazing would that be?
To my fellow women,
Happy Day to all of you! We have come so far and still have a long way to achieve most of our dreams, goals, purposes! But for today, take some time to relax if you can, do something that makes you feel good and just be happy and enjoy being that amazing person that you are!
Christmas is here! The best time of the year! Everywhere you go, you are reminded of the importance of celebrating! Celebrate! Rejoice! Those are not questions! They are orders! Put on the mask of happiness, ignore the ache in your heart! Don’t let them see your pain, don’t spill your bitterness, don’t spoil the festivities! Keep on smiling, keep on laughing, maybe at the end of the day, you will be just as happy as they are! Maybe the pain will melt away! They don’t want to know anyway! They don’t need you to tell them that you would rather be rocking on the ground than around the Christmas tree! You don’t believe in the magic? That is your curse, not theirs! Don’t be the party pooper! No one likes party poopers!
I know! There is just so much pain you can take. You wish you could let go of those tears! You want to stop holding them back! You dream of them turning into some colorful marbles that would roll down and take away the darkness that surrounds you! Everybody seems to be looking forward to celebrate! You envy them. You wish you felt the same way! There is so much excitation in the air! But the more you try to get in the spirit, the worse you feel! Makes you wonder what you would do, given the chance to go back in time? You think it would make a lot of difference! But what if you were wrong? What if you were just kidding yourself? Are you that sure that given the chance, you would give up your sacred life just so that you could get to celebrate one last time with her? Would you leave your life behind and rush to her side, or would you act the same way you did before and just hope for the best without having to sacrifice anything? Would your pain be any different have you had time to say goodbye?
C’mon! Time to get up and put on that fake smile! You owe that to everyone that has been there for you! You owe her that! She is gone, but you are still here, you all are! Make it a time to remember, not a time to regret! Don’t mourn her, celebrate her! After all, how many get to have their birthdays on Christmas day? Set the table, make the cake the centerpiece! And once you have danced for her, drunk for her, laughed for her and sang for her, open the windows and let the wind blows the candles. And if you listen carefully, you might hear her voice thanking you!
It is 9:00 a.m in Downtown Los Angeles. It is Fall but the caress of the sun on my bare shoulders tell me otherwise. The skyscrapers remind me why it is already so noisy: cars, water fountains, ongoing works, people talking, children playing. A pretty girl just sat across me, facing the sun. Seems like we had the same idea. Her white dress is in stark contrast with my black one, she is reading a journal while I am typing on my expensive toy but our body language tell the same story. In an hour, I will be gone. Walking in the woods, the tall buildings will become tall trees, the water fountains will be turned into waterfalls and the workers will be birds chirping on trees and it will be quiet again! Enjoy your weekend!